Once upon a time, there was a man named Gideon. Gideon felt guilty concerning his compulsive masturbation habit, so he walked around selling bibles to compensate for this. Once day, however, Gideon realized that God did not give a flying fuck about his masturbation, so he cut off his right foot to both piss off God, and to collect on a long withstanding insurance policy. The fact of the matter is this; life is never what it seems to be. Before you judge Gideon, read several of his unpublished works and find out how he was perpetually raped by Bigfoot from the age of 10 to 17. Never view yourself as a hero, dear friend. Conversely, do not view yourself as a victim (even if you are). Most importantly, never be that mother-fucking Sasquatch. Better to be the sucker, than a person who carelessly plays around with the heart of another.

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